Over the past 6 or 7 years I’ve been working on becoming more empathetic. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m sure there’s a long list of people that I’ve known throughout my life that could confirm this. I’m sure my family could confirm as well. In the past year-or-so I’ve done some deeper introspection. Part of my exercise of introspection involves journaling, which I’ve found particularly useful for uncovering and reinforcing ideas that I know are good for me.
When I say “journaling” I don’t mean that I’m writing down the events of the day, nor am I venting or pining. Most days it reads like a pep talk to myself. I remind myself that people are people and that there will be challenges associated with them; that the world is not perfect and I need not be disappointed by that fact. Rather, I need to accept reality for what it is. I remind myself to put first things first and take action around the things that are within my control. I express gratitude, both for good people and circumstances, as well as challenges that shape me. In short, I try to give myself proper perspective.
One of the things that has come from journaling is the codification of some personal values. What I’ve found is that these personal values have created a framework for giving me constant perspective on how I should deal with people and circumstances in my life in order to become specifically more empathetic and generally a better, more fulfilled person every day. Here are the values as they stand today…
Love all.
This is rooted in what Jesus of Nazareth said was the second most important commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself. I would argue that the vast majority of people that would claim to be Christian don’t actually understand the implications of this statement. To me, when we start to peel it back, this is the root of empathy — to truly understand that we are all just humans spending a brief moment on this planet. We’re all being refined and shaped by our experience. It’s not my job to judge others. I should not expect anyone I meet to hold themselves to the exact standards to which I hold myself.
Or look at the flip-side: To be disappointed with our fellow humans — or, to the extreme, to hate our fellow humans — is just a misalignment of expectations and reality. Vitriol has never improved a situation or changed anyone’s mind. Tribalism exists for survival in a hostile world. In almost every instance, the hostility we perceive is just a story we tell ourselves to feel better about our own insecurities. We, and the world around us, are better off if we flip the script.
Be curious.
This value points to seeking challenge in the pursuit of growth, which is ultimately gratifying. Sometimes this takes the form of straight forward, academic learning. Sometimes it’s about taking chances in a creative endeavor. Sometimes it’s about physical challenges. Philosophically, it is greeting my daily experience without judgment.
The origin of this value is found in a framework about mindset that I came across in a podcast. The framework goes like this: There are five hierarchical levels of mindset that we all can embrace in varying degrees…
Victim: Woe is me. The world is against me. Why does everything bad always happen to me?
Pessimist: Everything is terrible. The glass is half empty.
Optimist: Everything is great. The glass is half full!
Realist: The world is the way it is. Sometimes good things happen. Sometimes bad things happen.
Warrior: The world can be challenging. How can I find a worthy opponent to test my skill and make me better?
The “warrior” mindset is sometimes called the “curious competitor” mindset. It takes a realistic approach to the world, but it’s always looking for challenge, understanding that challenge begets growth. The warrior is always curious as to how well their training has prepared them. They never loose. They simply learn.
Live intentionally.
Intentionality is the opposite of reflex. It’s the idea that I will embrace the present moment and make conscious decisions that consistently move me toward a desired end state.
So what is the desired end state?
The desired end state is to lay on my death bed (or however it goes down for me) with as few regrets as possible, being satisfied that I have squeezed the most out of life that I possibly could. That may sound somewhat selfish, and it could certainly go that way. To me, though, squeezing the most out of life means being gratified by the ripple effects of a life well-lived that reverberate through the lives of those that live beyond my years.
Everything is a process.
I’ve been test driving these values for a little while now. The more I write them down and internalize them — almost like a mantra — the more useful I find them to be. Odds are the values will evolve. Maybe the number will change, or maybe it will just be a difference in how they are articulated and defined. Regardless, I’ve found the exercise of thinking deeply about how to maximize my time on the earth to be helpful on many levels. I’ve found that it’s not about goals that happen at specific points in time. Rather, it’s about understanding that I’m engaged in a process that is shaping me and those around me through my actions. These values make me an active participant in the process (as opposed to passive).
How to
I would encourage everyone to go through the exercise of developing personal values. Here are a few tips that can help you get the most out of the exercise:
- Keep the number of values manageable. There’s a sweet spot between 2 and 6. You’re not likely to nail it with one. More than 5 or 6 makes it harder to recall them all.
- Make them simple and memorable. Give them a pattern of some sort. For some people it means that they all start with the same letter (ex: the 5 L’s) or they spell something (ex: SMART). I settled on two words each with the first word being action-oriented — there’s a rhythm to them when recited.
- Write down ideas and think about how you are or are not reflecting those values in your life. What decisions/actions they would change? Do this over the course of several weeks before you settle on your values — at least the first iteration of your values.
Give it shot. Regardless of what you end up with, honest introspection is always beneficial.
